Update...from Holland!

I’ll still write in English so that my Tanzanian friends can also read my update.

Now 2 months after my decision I am finally able to write and talk about how I really felt about leaving Zanzibar and coming back to Holland. I was numb and tried to push out all feelings and even people.

I went back to Zanzibar with the plan to work at my old employer Xanadu for a few more months and in the meantime find a house and maybe a job back in Holland. Of course this plan crashed…..as all my plans do, I’m better at going with the flow. First, I met an amazing guy while I was in Holland, so I had an extra reason to go back, to see if it would work out with him. But I wanted to get a solid (housing and financial) foundation first to come back to!

The Dutch government assured me that if I returned to Holland within 6 months after leaving Tanzania (so before July 1^st) I would get my unemployment insurance as I would if I never left Holland. And within 2 days after returning to the island a friend (bless her!) found a house for me where I could move in immediately. There were some hurdles, but with the help of my amazing parents I was able to secure this house! So within 3 days I booked my ticket back as my housing and financial situation seemed cleared. Lots of packing to do and saying goodbye to my friends and Tanzanian family. In the meantime, I got another bacterial infection and ended up with a fever in bed. Unfortunately, I had to leave a lot of things behind, but that is just materialistic. The moment that I knew I had to leave in a rush I kind of blocked all emotions of saying goodbye and leaving. I focused on what to do now, that was the maximum amount of emotion and stress I could handle at that moment. Then 2 days before I had to board the plane I got the message that I would not get a cent from the Unemployment Insurance, so no income…I had to keep packing and getting ready for my flight, but inside I was boiling with anger and frustration. I really did not enjoy my last few days on Zanzibar, stress, being sick and no time to say goodbye properly were tearing me apart.

My flight back to Zanzibar was very emotional, but this one back to Holland was a mix of relief, feeling loved and stress…I was going home to my family, friends and a blossoming love. I could not do what I dreamt of, the work in a hotel in Zanzibar is not what I love to do and didn’t enable me to do anything that contributes to the life of the local people on the island or the boys in Mombasa.

When I landed my loving parents were waiting for me as they always are there for me, and I thank God for them, they made my coming back an (sort of) easy transition. As I said I was sort of numbed and denied myself from any feelings at that moment, because I was about to crash. I sort of hid myself where (almost nobody) knew I could be and spend some relaxing days with some one that (up until now) never caused any stress in my life and is as laid back as I normally am. After a few days I had to go back to reality and get things done and make things happen. On Tuesday I had a car and on Wednesday I moved into my new studio in Den Bosch, and it felt really good to be back in my city! Wow…..that all went very fast! Now I needed some time to land in Holland, pick up my social life and start up getting some finances arranged. Going to get Social Security and looking into finding a job. With almost no money and no income I had to go to Social Security, it wasn’t what I wanted, but had no choice. And it was very clear to me that I was completely not able to work as I felt depressed and confused. I needed some time, luckily I got a bit of time as the municipal office was understaffed because of the summer holiday. They still managed to make it almost impossible to me to get any income and I had to keep going back and fort to different people with new papers every time. After a week or two I started to really look for a new job and noticed that there were a lot of jobs in my field and in the area around Den Bosch. Now, not even 2 months after coming back, I am in a new but solid relationship, living in the city that I love and am taking care of myself because I got a job and I started working! Everything is not perfect yet, but I feel like I’m building towards a solid future where I have something to offer the boys in Mombasa and also time and energy to help the refugees (newcomers in Holland). My heart will always be in Mombasa and now even Zanzibar, but I will go back as much as I can!

Goals...

Some things in life don't work out the way you want it to. Like my move to Zanzibar..conclusion: I'm moving back to Holland. I had a great time here and I learned a lot about the life in Zanzibar and it is not what I am looking for. I moved to Africa because I really thought I could have a meaningful life and do something for the people here, visit Mombasa often and maybe set something up here. The reality is different...no time or money to do anything for anyone! And on the island there are not a lot of possibilities for volunteer work. In the months I was here I enjoyed life and worked very hard, it's been fun, hectic, amazing, hard work and sometimes relaxing. In these months I was so busy getting to know the island and trying to make it work for myself that I never had a chance to really sit and think about the future. My visit to Holland gave me a chance to breathe and think...and I realized that my goals were further from me than ever before. Working in a hotel, catering to people that are enjoying their holiday is great, but these aren't the ones I really care about. I care about the local people and their lives, but with the hectic working hours and just enough finances to take care of myself I am not able to do what I came for. I love Africa and my heart will always be here, but Zanzibar and the lifestyle here are never going to bring me closer to my goals in life.
I came to the conclusion that in Holland there is much more to do for me as in volunteer work and I'll be able to find a good job which gives me the opportunity to travel to Mombasa regularly. So I am coming back! I have to look at the future and what I really want and that is not just working and enjoying a beach life...it's so much more than that!
With pain in my heart I leave Africa, but I know I'll be back! Thanx to all the friends I made here and the people I worked with! You made it an amazing time and I'll miss you guys! Nakupenda sana!
I'm going back to Holland, where my friends and family are, where my heart is, the people that always supported me. Holland for me is the country in my passport and therefor it's the place where I am strong and can make things happen! That's why I have to go back and make a new plan to live a meaningfull life in this world.

Keuzes...deel 2

In mijn vorige blog bad ik het erover dat keuzes binna altijd een financiele kant hebben...deze dus ook. Deze keus heeft 2 kanten...de finaciele kant is dat mijn huidige werkgever mij niet wil (naar eigen zeggen niet kan) bieden wat ze zou moeten...angezien ze dat voor alle expats doet. Helaas voel ik dat ze met mij anders omgaat dan degenen die hier puur komen om te werken en ervaring op te doen in het buitenland. Dat wil zeggen dat ik mijn eigen kost en huisvesting moet gaan betalen, mijn reis naar Nederland en daar 2 maanden zou moeten blijven zonder salaris om te wachten op een werkvergunning...dat gaan we dus niet doen! En deze keus heeft een morele kant. Het feit dat ik mij hier thuis voel en een leven lijdt en me vooral onder de lokale bevolking begeef wordt op zijn zachtst gezegd niet op prijs gesteld door mijn huidige werkgever. Daarbij komt ook dat we (want dit laatste treft niet alleen mij) van onder naar boven en links naar rechts worden geslingerd als het gaat om bedrijfsvoering...en dat deze plek voor mij te rustig en niet bruisend genoeg is...Conclusie: ik ben op zoek gegaan naar iets dat beter bij mij past proffesioneel gezien, maar ook prive! Ik ga guest relations doen voor Nederlandse gasten en F&B control bij een hotel en het Health & Safety beleid opzetten voor 3 hotels, allemaal van dezelfde eigenaar. Wordt een hele kluif, maar ik heb er super veel zin in! En voordat ik daar met frisse moed tegenaan ga kom ik naar Nederland voor een paar weekjes! Nederland kan me in principe gestolen worden, maar al die lieve vrienden en familie zijn me alles waard en ik ga er super van genieten! Ik kom eraan!!!

Keuzes

Keuzes.....het leven bestaat uit het maken van keuzes. En ik baal ervan dat deze keuzes bijna altijd een financiele kant hebben. Je kan niet de keuzes maken die je wil omdat je het geld niet hebt of omdat je weet dat het je al je geld kan kosten...Ik kom nog terug op de keuzes die ik momenteel maak!

Ik ben afgelopen zondag verhuisd naar Paje, eindelijke mijn eigen stekkie! Het is een grote kamer op de eerste verdieping, met een groot terras en uitzicht over het dorp. Het is vlak aan de doorgaande weg en dichtbij shops en op loopafstand van het strand en restaurants! Als mijn situatie hier wat zekerder is ga ik het leuk inrichten en voorzien van alle "gemakken" zoals oa een bank en een koelkast. Er is een gedeelte keuken, dus kan eingelijk weer eens mijn eigen potje klaarmaken! Eten in een hotel klinkt leuk en luxe, maar gewoon ff lekker zelf kokkerellen en naar eigen smaak koken kijk ik naar uit!

Verder is het leven hier super, ik houd ervan! Het was ff bikkelen om hier in het regenseizoen te zijn. Je zit ongeveer opgesloten omdat je niet overal kan komen met de auto en dus savonds maar lekker film kijken in plaats van naar het strand, uit eten of op stap. Maar het begint weer wat beter te worden, dus het sociale leven komt ook weer wat op gang. Afgelopen zondag ben ik na mijn verhuizing met 2 vrienden naar Stone Town geweest, dat is de enige plek waar je echt inkopen dan doen. Maar ook altijd leuk om gewoon lekker rond te lopen. Was de eerste echt relaxte vrije dag die ik had in weken, dus was er aan toe! Heerlijk!

thuis...volgens de Dikke van Dale

thuis (het; o)

plaats waar iem. zich thuis voelt

Heimwee....maar naar waar? Ik kom er steeds meer achter dat ik me onder de gelukkigen mag rekenen die meerdere plekken op deze wereld heeft waar 'thuis' is. Want thuis is voor mij waar je dierbaren wonen, of je er zelf nu ooit geweest bent of niet. Thuis is ergens waar je altijd terecht kan, waar twee armen op je wachten om je omhelzen. Thuis is een plek en mensen die je mist als je het even moeilijk hebt. Thuis is een plek waar mensen zijn waarbij je jezelf mag zijn, waar je mag huilen en lachen. Thuis willen mensen je niet veranderen of bekritiseren, thuis ben je jezelf!

Ik heb een groot hart, dat zegt men, maar dat voel ik ook. Het kost me soms veel van mezelf, maar het levert me ook enorm veel op. Dat ik me op veel plaatsen thuis voel. Ik ben inmiddels op heel wat plekken geweest en bijna overal heb ik een thuis achtergelaten, een thuis waar ik altijd welkom ben en waar mensen zijn die ik in mijn hart gelsoten heb. Op de ene plek wat meer dan de andere....vandaar dat ik er voor kies om mijn eigen thuis te creeren, in mijn hart. Een plek waar iedereen welkom is, waar iedereen met liefde en respect behandelt wordt en een plek waar iedereen steeds terug mag komen. Ik zou zeggen...kom eens langs, het is fijn in mijn "thuis"!

Dit jaar heb ik mijn verjaardag op Zanzibar gevierd....dus nu is hier thuis!

Back to real life!

After my visit to Mombasa it was back to business! Just a small update for now! I have been busy and didn’t make the time to write a blog or share pictures! Jeah, you read it correctly…. I admit I didn’t make time in stead of saying I didn’t have time!

Work has been really busy but besides that I feel like I’m finding my balance between work and time for myself. I feel peaceful inside, but that can change any minute, because life is crazy here! Work is great and with ups and downs I’m learning and getting the hang of it. After work I sometimes just like to relax and other days I go out to see friends!

I finally got to rent a car! So, more freedom and less waiting for and paying taxis! Woohooo. It’s an old Toyota Escudo, black,  no AC, and lots of special ways of treating it, just like any woman you can say ;). But I love her and hope she will be my best friend for a long time! And all of this just before rain season started, and it did! Since last Tuesday it has been raining, not just rain, no buckets of water are released from the sky! Some days it doesn't stop raining and some days you have some moments of sun....between the clouds. I don't mind the rain and don't even mind the challenged that come with it, flooded roads, no electricity, bad internet...This is Africa!

Movienight at the beach

Rainseason has started

Waking up in a makuti house on the beach...life is good

My new ride, gotta love her!

Sneek preview ;)

Mombasa!

My business visa expired do I had to leave the country. No better place to go to then Mombasa! Just a short week, but at least some time to catch up with Melissa and to see how the boys are doing and spend as much time with them as I can! And what a warm welcome! The boys came home from school and didn't know I would be there, all the hugs and happy faces! Some still the same, some changed in behavior and appearance! How fast can young boys grow up!
All of them are doing great in school and most even top 3 of their class. All in all, I feel right at home again.
Also being in this city is a great feeling and ill try to use every second of my time! Even though I have to admit I do miss Zanzibar too. So Im going around to all my favorite places, doing a lot of shopping, meeting people and just taking in the feel of Mombasa! The crazyness, chaos, smells, colors, beauty and people. I realize now how different the people are from Zanzibar. More bold, I will not say less respectful, but they are less shy to try to get into contact with a mzungu woman. Its more obvious here. In Zanzibar most people are more reserved about it. Here I should change my name to Baby, I love you or Mzungu, thats all I hear all day. It doesn't bother me though and surely it doesn't impress me, its just the way things are here. Most of the time I just ignore comments, but sometimes I enter a conversation and chat a bit which often ends up in 'I want your number, I want to see you more or I want to marry you'. The fact that I write about it now really doesn't mean it bothers me, its just so obvious and a big difference from Zanzibar.
Zanzibar was the right choice for me to move to coz I wanted to be at this side of the world to be close to the boys and my second home, Mombasa. Its been hard work, long days, difficult moments and a lot of great new friends, amazing relaxed island living and I just love the Swahili people, culture and food, East Africa is home!

Reality of life...

Hey everyone,

Just an hour after my post last week I got a call.....one that changed everything. My sweet uncle Henny had passed away in his sleep. In one of my first posts I mentioned how hard it was to leave Holland, especially after him having a stroke, and a second one just a few days before I left. This was exactly what I was afraid of, that it would be the last time for me to see him. Luckily I had spend some time with him and said goodbye before I left, but this news crushed me...the strong woman that I always appear to be was gone, I was a small girl again that needed her family and was crying inconsolably. On the other hand I kept thinking of my family needing me and I couldn't be there for them. Heartbreaking...I searched for places to find comfort and I looked for ways to support my family members who are grieving. The comfort I found in my family here, the one I work for. And in my friends/brothers/sisters here that can always make me smile and try to comfort me with words. As devastated as I was, I realize that I can be very grateful with my real family that is far away and my new extended family that I found here on this island. What I did on Saturday evening? I went dancing, dancing away the pain in my heart. I know it is good to take time to deal with pain, and I did, but for me this was the only way at that moment because I couldn't be with my family.

Then last Tuesday my mom called that Aunt Mien passed away, I felt her pain through the phone and there was nothing I could do but cry with her. And I broke, I literaly broke! Together with some personal issues here, and these to family members passing away, I just broke!

Yesterday at 4PM (the time of his farewell) I sat down just by myself to remember, remember an amazing person, father, uncle, brother, brother-in-law, friend, boss..... And I found peace in my heart.

I think this has been the hardest situation I have been in in my life. And after thinking that I couldn't do it, I did it. Being away from family doesn't mean you don't love or support them, it just means there is more distance between you and them. And like my mom said, the line between our hearts can never be cut, no matter what the distance. Even though this loss hurts and that will never go away, I learned again that I do have that extra bit of strength to cope with the reality of life. Alhamdullilah!

Here is a link to an amazing video compilation that my cousin made, an ode to his father!

Thank you for all the great memories Uncle Henny!

We will meet again!
Love you!

https://www.magisto.com/video/bU0eOUQbQmspQQZgCzE

What am I up to here?

I'm getting more and more familiar with the company, the staff, he island and its people. I am really starting to feel at home and more relaxed in my mind, even though it's very hard work (a lot harder and more hours then in Holland). My new friends include the dogs, cat and now our own Colubus monkey that kind of became our mascot. She came here a week or two ago and is now coming daily and enjoying the attention that she gets from the family and the guests, and even puts up a show! The local staff are also amazing here. Hardworking friendly and I love enjoying swahili lunch or dinner with them and getting to know them better!

 
The Xanadu family including Patrica, our Colobus monkey

I am enjoying work and also now taking time to relax a bit and go out with friends for a chat, dinner or dancing. That is something you have to do to keep up with the long hours at work. I love spending time with my old colleagues of which some became really close friends. And also in the village I like having some local food at my friends place and having a chat with the people there. I feel like living in two totally different worlds now. The exclusive retreat which is my work place and fits me perfectly and the "real" outside world, the life of the locals which is where I feel comfortable. Being able to sit at the beach all night and chat with a friend under a black sky filled with thousands of bright stars is absolutely worth the hard work and the exhaustion sometimes!

And as crazy as my personal life was in Holland, it continues here! But that is a story only for the confidants amongst you. It's not that I look for it, but as it was in Holland, my life never seems to get boring, let me state it that way ;)

Sauti Za Busara festival in Stone Town

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Amazing sunset in the morning here at Xanadu


A night dancing at Jambo with my friends Khatib and Saidi and the crazy Dutch guests


A Bees nest in my room after I came back from a day off

More pics coming!!!

Love you all!