My new home, my room is ready!

Selfless

The countdown has started. Last week was an emotional one, as expected because leaving the life behind that you are so happy with is not easy, even when you are following your dream. But now I am back on track and getting on with things.

I had a great weekend that started with a visit from a friend who is very close to my heart and I can share anything with. I spend two days with my mom in Maastricht and ended it with a relaxed and fun evening with friends! I am so grateful for all the people around me that care about me. And Making people smile and laughing with them gives me so munch energy!

On Monday I got to work finding a lot of really kind emails in my inbox. About how I show the people at my company that there is more in this world then chips and money, that is one of the biggest compliments that I ever got. And I started to realize that I am doing a good job and this company and it gave me the confidence to believe in myself. Because of the opportunities that I got here and the feedback I'm getting now that I'm leaving. Therefor it makes me feel sad for leaving, because I know the future would have given me more great opportunities but also strengthens me in feeling everything will be ok even if I decide to come back to Holland.

For me it's in my nature that I care about people and about what is happening in the world. And what I do as a volunteer in different places is not about me or about making an impression on people. I think it is one of the most important things in life that people take care of each other. That is the only way to live together and make this world a beautiful place.
Right now I'm struggling with the idea of leaving a lot of people behind that appreciate what I am doing, at the office, as a volunteer and also as a friend or daughter. I feel selfish for taking this big step for myself. And then I realize it's not only about me....again it's about wanting to help people to have a better life and future, I'm just going to do it in a different part of the world. I realize that I can never be fully happy leading a life that is only about me.

In trying there is no failure...

Everyone always tells me I am such a strong person...
Strong for choosing my own path a few years ago
Strong for travelling to Kenya alone
Strong for not giving up on my sister
Strong for choosing a religion which is under controversy
Strong for standing up for myself and others
Strong for always being there for people
Strong for opening my house and my heart
Strong for leaving...

Maybe I am strong for trying....because in trying there is no failure...


In the last year I met so much amazing people that did not have a choice but to leave home. I learned so much about their lives, families, culture and some really touched my heart and will stay with me forever. These are the strong people, the people that came here with nothing, didn't know what the future will bring, but not have possibility to go back. I see them struggle and work hard for a new life and a good future here. That is what being strong is to me.
In the last few years I have been through a lot of highs and lows, more highs then lows luckily. But I know how to get up quickly when I am down and that's why people always see me as strong. I learned throughout life and especially from the kids/people in Kenya and the refugees in Holland that staying down is never an option. I go through life choosing not to let small things get to me, I choose to enjoy what and who I have in my life. You have take the good things and be thankful. Feel blessed with what you have. Your path is written for you and you make the choice to follow it!

I am going home to Africa, but my heart will stay here...

A WTF weekend…

I don’t even know where to start…one month to go and this weekend it hit me. An amazing weekend with highs and lows…and I mean HIGHS and LOWS!!!

 

Before I leave there was one thing I needed to do…Try to get I contact with my sister. So I did with the help of a very selfless person! I got an answer that hit me really hard. Every time I try this and I think I will not be crushed this time if the answer is negative…but getting a judgmental comment about my life while she hasn’t been in it for 8 years, hurts! I am an open and honest person and I think everyone in my life knows that. So I’ll just say it as it is….she tells me (cynically) that she hopes that I will find happiness in Zanzibar because obviously I don't have that here. WFT…just a
"No" would have been enough…if you don’t want me in your life then at least don’t judge me. That is where I am blessed that I am so different from her. I know if she ever wants to come back into my life I will be judged again daily about the choices I make. And still I want her in my life, coz she is family and family is forever. Blood is thicker than water, always! It really made me think. I know I am in a very happy place in my life and because of this comment I started counting my blessings and realize what I am leaving behind. It made me doubt my decision, while this is something I have been dreaming of for a long time. This is the power she has over me….and then people keep telling me I am such a strong person…look twice please?

 

Saturday my best friend was coming over, coz we planned a weekend together. We were going to party, dance, shop, chat, laugh and, because of the message earlier that day, I decided to have an “I don’t give a F****” evening and indeed it was! We both needed a shoulder to lean (coz nooo we didn’t cry!) on and that’s what we were! First pouring our souls out and laughing so loudly to keep ourselves from crying...coz…F**** I’m leaving in a month! After some soul-pouring we danced our asses of and had fun with some great friends. An evening to remember ;)

The next morning I asked myself: ".........?” After 4 hours of sleep I woke up with a big smile on my face and pain in my body. But that’s not important, because we had fun and are going to have a lot more fun today. Like two teenage girls chatting, laughing, complaining about not sleeping enough….we conquered the Beverwijk bazaar, ran into a friend we haven’t seen in a while and did some old school shopping. I love my life!

 

But seriously…

I know I’m leaving a lot of great people behind, some very special and close to my heart. I’ll miss them really bad, I knew that before I made this decision. But looking into their eyes while they tell me they don’t what me to go was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. Especially when it comes from an unexpected person at an unexpected time (or not so unexpected just hidden very well).

Life is full of surprises, high and low, deal with the low and move on…right now I will focus on the highs, follow my heart and spend my time with the people close to me as much as I can. The "I don't want to leave fase" has started....

 

* Sorry, but there was no other words to describe this weekend then with strong language!

 

 

Still can't believe this will be my home soon...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTPhCjQvQc0&feature=share

I feel at peace, warm inside and homesick when I see videos like this. Its still like a dream that I will call this place home in a few weeks! Its a dream come true!