Update...from Holland!

I’ll still write in English so that my Tanzanian friends can also read my update.

Now 2 months after my decision I am finally able to write and talk about how I really felt about leaving Zanzibar and coming back to Holland. I was numb and tried to push out all feelings and even people.

I went back to Zanzibar with the plan to work at my old employer Xanadu for a few more months and in the meantime find a house and maybe a job back in Holland. Of course this plan crashed…..as all my plans do, I’m better at going with the flow. First, I met an amazing guy while I was in Holland, so I had an extra reason to go back, to see if it would work out with him. But I wanted to get a solid (housing and financial) foundation first to come back to!

The Dutch government assured me that if I returned to Holland within 6 months after leaving Tanzania (so before July 1^st) I would get my unemployment insurance as I would if I never left Holland. And within 2 days after returning to the island a friend (bless her!) found a house for me where I could move in immediately. There were some hurdles, but with the help of my amazing parents I was able to secure this house! So within 3 days I booked my ticket back as my housing and financial situation seemed cleared. Lots of packing to do and saying goodbye to my friends and Tanzanian family. In the meantime, I got another bacterial infection and ended up with a fever in bed. Unfortunately, I had to leave a lot of things behind, but that is just materialistic. The moment that I knew I had to leave in a rush I kind of blocked all emotions of saying goodbye and leaving. I focused on what to do now, that was the maximum amount of emotion and stress I could handle at that moment. Then 2 days before I had to board the plane I got the message that I would not get a cent from the Unemployment Insurance, so no income…I had to keep packing and getting ready for my flight, but inside I was boiling with anger and frustration. I really did not enjoy my last few days on Zanzibar, stress, being sick and no time to say goodbye properly were tearing me apart.

My flight back to Zanzibar was very emotional, but this one back to Holland was a mix of relief, feeling loved and stress…I was going home to my family, friends and a blossoming love. I could not do what I dreamt of, the work in a hotel in Zanzibar is not what I love to do and didn’t enable me to do anything that contributes to the life of the local people on the island or the boys in Mombasa.

When I landed my loving parents were waiting for me as they always are there for me, and I thank God for them, they made my coming back an (sort of) easy transition. As I said I was sort of numbed and denied myself from any feelings at that moment, because I was about to crash. I sort of hid myself where (almost nobody) knew I could be and spend some relaxing days with some one that (up until now) never caused any stress in my life and is as laid back as I normally am. After a few days I had to go back to reality and get things done and make things happen. On Tuesday I had a car and on Wednesday I moved into my new studio in Den Bosch, and it felt really good to be back in my city! Wow…..that all went very fast! Now I needed some time to land in Holland, pick up my social life and start up getting some finances arranged. Going to get Social Security and looking into finding a job. With almost no money and no income I had to go to Social Security, it wasn’t what I wanted, but had no choice. And it was very clear to me that I was completely not able to work as I felt depressed and confused. I needed some time, luckily I got a bit of time as the municipal office was understaffed because of the summer holiday. They still managed to make it almost impossible to me to get any income and I had to keep going back and fort to different people with new papers every time. After a week or two I started to really look for a new job and noticed that there were a lot of jobs in my field and in the area around Den Bosch. Now, not even 2 months after coming back, I am in a new but solid relationship, living in the city that I love and am taking care of myself because I got a job and I started working! Everything is not perfect yet, but I feel like I’m building towards a solid future where I have something to offer the boys in Mombasa and also time and energy to help the refugees (newcomers in Holland). My heart will always be in Mombasa and now even Zanzibar, but I will go back as much as I can!